Good news...for the most part.

So I met with the high risk obstetrician on Monday and the only thing between myself and pregnancy (hopefully) is getting my A1C down below 7. Once there I can go through the IVF process without fears of hurting my unborn fetus and myself. It is exciting because I know I can do that, sad because well I haven't yet. I need to get over this love affair I have with food that is terrible for me. Food is fuel, not a crutch for when I am feeling down or upset. Cheesecake is not a reward for getting through a tough week or having a bad day at work, it is death for me. I need to wrap my head around the fact that THIS SHIT IS KILLING ME.

Wow, kind of scary to see that in writing. I am committing suicide by sugar.

So I am back on the grind, Mitch and I are going to our 1st kickboxing class this weekend so I can get more exercise into my schedule too, all of it will help me drop my A1C, not to mention my weight too. I bet I am the skinniest I have been since high school when I get pregnant. How amusing (not).

I am currently going through some major carb withdrawals at the moment. When you analyze and see just how much you eat at a normal meal vs the oh 40g or so you should be having, it is kind of a shock. In carb speak a little goes a very short, tiny, minuscule way. Potatoes, I miss you.

So that is what I am working on. I am also thoroughly enjoying this insane weather in RI. I am wearing a maxi dress and sandals and I am warm, in March. Crazy.

When the weekend blurs into the work week...

To say I had a busy weekend would be a complete understatement.

Alas I am here on Monday feeling even more exhausted that I did Friday evening and there is no hope in sight until umm 3/24? So I got another 2 weeks of exhausted before I have a psuedo relaxing weekend planned.

Friday night we had plans to go over my friend's Tiffany's for dinner. It was super delicious and chill. It was relaxing and fun but we headed over to my Mother in Law's around 10PM to drop off Slash man and we were there until almost 12AM. We didn't even get home until 12:30 or so. My head hit the pillow and I was out until about maybe 8AM when I woke up and thought "OMGOMGOMGOMG I am going to see the Bruins today"

And see the Bruins I did:

We had a blast at the game though we lost to the Capitols in a game we should have won. It was a pretty mellow game and for someone who loves to see blood on the ice, I was a tad disappointed. It is OK though Chara managed to shatter the glass when he checked someone so I was somewhat happy about that.

After the game, we headed into New Bedford because we had a Old School Dance Night thing with my Mother in law and friends. We got into the city around 6ish and were seriously wiped out. I napped from like 8:00 until 9:30 (mind you dance night started at 9) and was seriously debating attending. I rallied up and got into my horrendous 80's outfit and out we went. It was fun but early night, we headed back around 12:30AM only to end up staying up until 3AM with the time change. Yeah...I totally wasn't aware that this was happening Saturday night/Sunday morning this week. I wasn't planning on it. Hence why I was exhausted getting up at 9AM Sunday to help with my girl Sarah's baby shower.

The shower rocked, I was at the hall until 5:30 when Mitch and I headed to my Dad's to do my birthday dinner with him. So I didn't get home until 10:30AM last night.

I am so tired, tired to the point my eyeballs hurt. Mitch the lucky duck is working from home today. That jerk is probably still in his PJ's on the couch, cuddled up with Slash man and sipping on some coffee. Alas I am at work, sans coffee since I drank mine and ready to nod off in 3...2...1

Dearest bed, I miss you so much. I promise to make up for my time away this weekend just as soon as I can but we need to enjoy the time we do get to spend together. I love you though I might not tell you all the time.

Time is on my side....

So I am officially 30.

I decided on Friday that is was coming no matter what. Granted I kept waking up Friday night as I was sleeping with something close to a panic attack, I awoke Saturday morning to my adorable husband singing me Happy Birthday among kisses and snuggles so I guess that is a PRETTY AWESOME way to be woken up. He proceeded to give me my birthday gift of 2 tickets to the BOSTON BRUINS BABY! I get to watch them (hopefully) spank the Capitols this coming Saturday. I for sure had thought he got me a Lucic jersey but this was so much better.

And then I got out of the shower and noticed 5 minutes after being in my bedroom there was bag on the bed...containing the Lucic jersey. Score for me, minus the fact it was an mens XL and could have probably fit Zdeno Chara, never mind my 5'8" self.

Oh who is Chara besides the best defensemen in the NHL? Your welcome ladies in advance:

Meet my other infatuation minus cowboys. Hockey players. Swoon.

So I digress, my awesome hubby got me tickets AND a jersey for my birthday. I am so super excited about this. I had to leave him to go get my hair did. I had a party planned for that evening. Want to see how us classy people roll:

Yep, we rocked a full on school bus. Luckily the driver was pretty cool and let us drink and what not on the bus. Do not dare inquire what "what not" is :)

So the party bus was headed to Toby Keith's I Love My Bar in Foxboro at the Patriot's Place. The hubby had reserved one of the VIP rooms near the band so we could eat dinner and dance our butts off until about 11PM (early I know, boo). Here is my evening in a psuedo montage:

This is me saying "Dude there are a lot of people in my place using the facilities, I hope Mitch cleaned it up first, cringe"

As you can tell, for 30 I am a really classy chick. In reality this is my reaction to having to wear all this crap after spending time doing my makeup and hair. Thanks Mom.

I need to set up the following photos, my brother insisted I take a photo with everyone while they wore the horse hat. I was already feeling good, lol.

This is me and my girl Ashley, nice horse.

The mother in law Dianne and I, love this one, we look super cute.

This is my mao Kristen, also my best friend. She is excited, not lol. I always look like a linebacker next to her she is so tiny.

The hubby and I. He looked good in the cowboy hat...VERY good in the hat. The horse thing, not so much.

This is my mother and I. Cheesing!

My brother Shawn and I. He is still trying to look fabulous while wearing a horse on his head, lol.

Tiffany and I are feeling pretty good here, can you tell? No?

This is my brothers boyfriend Travis and I. As you can see, I am a very appropriate person.

Oh goodness, these photos will always be here on the web somewhere. This could be interesting, for sure.

Anyhoo we ate some delicious food ( the hubby and I split a appetizer samples and a rack of fall off the bone ribs. Yum Yum) we got to do some dancing. Dancing was interrupted for this:

You can't tell me that this isn't the most adorable cake you have ever seen? In case you are wondering purple is my favorite color. My mother in law knows whats up, this was compliments of Konditor Meister, aka the best damn place in New England to get a cake EVER.

I don't even know if i made a wish when I blew out my candles. I am guess I was wishing for another Malibu and soda water. 

Probably not the smartest wish seeing as how on the way home I was certain I was going to die or throw up. Luckily for me, neither occurred. I went home and passed out in bed with my make up on, shame on me.

Sunday was for recuperation sake, alas I have a mountain of laundry to tackle tonight due to my laziness yesterday. All in all though I have to definitely say it is worth it. 

Welcome 30's. you have already blown my 20's out of the water. Best party ever. 

30...How?

So tomorrow is my 30th birthday.

How in the world am I turning 30? I have had a sense of dread/anticipation all of February knowing that it was coming up and quick. I am not ready to drop the 2 off my age and switch it up with a 3. 3 is my lucky number but at the moment 3 is my least favorite digit. Go away I say... please.

Getting older is obviously a blessing and inevitable. It still doesn't mean it isn't a shock to my system. I am definitely not 100% where I thought I would be at 30. I anticipated I would own a home by now, have 2.5 kids, be married and having a successful career.

I do have the marriage part down, I have fur babies if you count my animals but that is it. Mitch and I are working on saving for a home and the baby part. I am also in a job that I am staying in only so I can get my masters in elementary education and start teaching soon (eventually). It is amazing I am not where I always thought I would be but I also don't regret it. I have had an awesome life with great friends and family and most of my memories are worth not being where I thought I would be. I gained experience and self worth in my 20s with every one of my failures or successes and honestly, I have a good life, with or without a house and kids.

That being said, it looks like my 30s will be my decade, getting me exactly everything I have wanted out of my life. So maybe I shouldn't be so hesitant to welcome tomorrow with open arms.

I mean there is an awesome party involved too, I would be an idiot not to.

Goodbye 20s, you were the best but I plan on making my 30s better!

Blog Envy

So I obsessed with Pioneer Woman, I think I have mentioned that previously?

If you don't believe me well let's look at the last 2 meals I have made for dinner:

That would be her recipe for Chicken in Mustard Cream Sauce. I have to say I absolutely love the picture itself too, taken with my phone none the less. Awesomeness. It is so delicious and super easy to make. For me who is eating low carb again it is meat central.

Last night I made this:

That would be her recipe for BBQ Comfort Meatballs. I made them before sitting down to the Bruins game (screw you Ottawa) knowing we would be able to chow down on the leftovers for a few days or so. My husband took his 1st bite, turned to me and said "I love you". Yes these meatballs are THAT good.

Also yes I am aware mashed potatoes are not low carb but it was the 1/2c serving I am allotted, you never really know how small a 1/2 a cup of mashed potatoes are until you see them on your tiny plate looking like a molehill, not a mountain. Sigh.

So as I digress, I love Pioneer Woman. Anyone who has never visited her site absolutely needs to do so because not only are he recipes AMAZING and delicious (I have only made like 30 of them or something) she is funny, smart and has an awesome life on her ranch with her 4 children and cowboy husband (swoon).

I also came across another food blog, So Delushious written by model Christine Teigen. Not only does she do the low carb thing, she too is obsessed with Pioneer Woman. Also she is engaged to John Legend who I not only adore musically but definitely used to lust after. So we have a lot in common minus her jet setting oh and the fact that she is a seriously knock out beautiful. Oh wells.

So I get jealous of these blogs. I would so love to be a serious food blogger but I sometimes wonder if there are too many of them to begin with. I also am not super creative with new recipes, I mean I usually do tweak existing recipes some and try to make them my own but to actually create a recipe on my own, that is a completely different task.

So I am wondering, do I just continue bitching and moaning about my fertility issues or move forward with some actual food blogging.

Best of both worlds maybe I should do both. Who knows, gonna think it over.

Me Time

So the last couple of weeks have been full of a number of ups and downs for me, both emotionally and physically. So unfortunately the last thing in my thoughts was updating this. How remiss of me.

Still struggling with the whole fertility thing. I have a couple of good days when I am positive and excited about everything. The next day I will be battling the demons and fears I have about it and it could take a day or 2 to work myself out of my funk.

I hate being in funks, then again I love to wallow in them.

I just learned how to properly stab myself with a needle and started my insulin injections, cheers for getting my A1C in check. I could of course do without the nausea and headaches but you must feel worse to feel better. Yeah I agree, sounds like total BS to me too.

We celebrated my hubby's 27th birthday last Friday and had an awesome weekend with him and his cousin Derrick and his girlfriend Sue. We went to Foxwoods for the weekend and saw Lynyrd Skynyrd. My Dad unexpectedly decided to come after telling me he wasn't. Unfortunately we had plans and commitments so it was hard to juggle them around and I didn't spend as much time with him as he wanted. To say he is pissed is an understatement.

Sometimes you just can't win.

Well this weekend is pretty busy and next weekend I turn 30. When did going uphill turn into going downhill. Anyone know? Anybody?

So Alone

So today I took my 1st steps towards our fertility treatment. I needed to have my uterus scoped to make sure that everything is OK and to also road map everything for the IVF. They want to know how to get to my uterus in order to implant the fertilized eggs assuming we can get to that stage.

It is scary how indefinite it could be.

I finally read through all of the steps and stages of the IVF treatment. To be blunt, I am kind of terrified of everything. All of the risks to myself and possible chromosonal defects for my baby. It it just surreal and scares me, so much. I thought I was stronger than this.

Worst case risk to me is damage down to my lady parts during the harvesting of my eggs which would result in a hystarectomy. That would mean my body, which has no difficulties getting pregnant, would be barren. I just hate feeling like I am the only one taking all the risks and suffering just to get pregnant.

I am just scared and hurting like hell. That scoping procedure which would be only "uncomfortable" and finished once it got "unbearable" was complete bullshit.

It was "unbearable" for like 5 minutes. It wasn't just "uncomfortable" either, it hurt like hell. I am still hurting now, like 6 + hours after the procedure. I get to deal with the cramps for a possible couple of days too.

I just feel so alone, no friends or family have gone through IVF or fertility issues. I am here just suffering in pain, scared of what's to come, angry that my husband has it easy in the treatments and I am the only one taking the risks.

I just pray that the ends justify the means and we have a healthy baby (or 2) as a result. To go through all this fear and pain for naught would leave me heartbroken. The thought of it now is making me tear up.

On that note, going to sprawl out on the couch under my blanket until I pass out. I am just exhausted and pretty deep into the doldrums. Hoping the feeling passes pretty soon. At least faster than the cramps do.