So Alone

So today I took my 1st steps towards our fertility treatment. I needed to have my uterus scoped to make sure that everything is OK and to also road map everything for the IVF. They want to know how to get to my uterus in order to implant the fertilized eggs assuming we can get to that stage.

It is scary how indefinite it could be.

I finally read through all of the steps and stages of the IVF treatment. To be blunt, I am kind of terrified of everything. All of the risks to myself and possible chromosonal defects for my baby. It it just surreal and scares me, so much. I thought I was stronger than this.

Worst case risk to me is damage down to my lady parts during the harvesting of my eggs which would result in a hystarectomy. That would mean my body, which has no difficulties getting pregnant, would be barren. I just hate feeling like I am the only one taking all the risks and suffering just to get pregnant.

I am just scared and hurting like hell. That scoping procedure which would be only "uncomfortable" and finished once it got "unbearable" was complete bullshit.

It was "unbearable" for like 5 minutes. It wasn't just "uncomfortable" either, it hurt like hell. I am still hurting now, like 6 + hours after the procedure. I get to deal with the cramps for a possible couple of days too.

I just feel so alone, no friends or family have gone through IVF or fertility issues. I am here just suffering in pain, scared of what's to come, angry that my husband has it easy in the treatments and I am the only one taking the risks.

I just pray that the ends justify the means and we have a healthy baby (or 2) as a result. To go through all this fear and pain for naught would leave me heartbroken. The thought of it now is making me tear up.

On that note, going to sprawl out on the couch under my blanket until I pass out. I am just exhausted and pretty deep into the doldrums. Hoping the feeling passes pretty soon. At least faster than the cramps do.