Good news...for the most part.

So I met with the high risk obstetrician on Monday and the only thing between myself and pregnancy (hopefully) is getting my A1C down below 7. Once there I can go through the IVF process without fears of hurting my unborn fetus and myself. It is exciting because I know I can do that, sad because well I haven't yet. I need to get over this love affair I have with food that is terrible for me. Food is fuel, not a crutch for when I am feeling down or upset. Cheesecake is not a reward for getting through a tough week or having a bad day at work, it is death for me. I need to wrap my head around the fact that THIS SHIT IS KILLING ME.

Wow, kind of scary to see that in writing. I am committing suicide by sugar.

So I am back on the grind, Mitch and I are going to our 1st kickboxing class this weekend so I can get more exercise into my schedule too, all of it will help me drop my A1C, not to mention my weight too. I bet I am the skinniest I have been since high school when I get pregnant. How amusing (not).

I am currently going through some major carb withdrawals at the moment. When you analyze and see just how much you eat at a normal meal vs the oh 40g or so you should be having, it is kind of a shock. In carb speak a little goes a very short, tiny, minuscule way. Potatoes, I miss you.

So that is what I am working on. I am also thoroughly enjoying this insane weather in RI. I am wearing a maxi dress and sandals and I am warm, in March. Crazy.

When the weekend blurs into the work week...

To say I had a busy weekend would be a complete understatement.

Alas I am here on Monday feeling even more exhausted that I did Friday evening and there is no hope in sight until umm 3/24? So I got another 2 weeks of exhausted before I have a psuedo relaxing weekend planned.

Friday night we had plans to go over my friend's Tiffany's for dinner. It was super delicious and chill. It was relaxing and fun but we headed over to my Mother in Law's around 10PM to drop off Slash man and we were there until almost 12AM. We didn't even get home until 12:30 or so. My head hit the pillow and I was out until about maybe 8AM when I woke up and thought "OMGOMGOMGOMG I am going to see the Bruins today"

And see the Bruins I did:

We had a blast at the game though we lost to the Capitols in a game we should have won. It was a pretty mellow game and for someone who loves to see blood on the ice, I was a tad disappointed. It is OK though Chara managed to shatter the glass when he checked someone so I was somewhat happy about that.

After the game, we headed into New Bedford because we had a Old School Dance Night thing with my Mother in law and friends. We got into the city around 6ish and were seriously wiped out. I napped from like 8:00 until 9:30 (mind you dance night started at 9) and was seriously debating attending. I rallied up and got into my horrendous 80's outfit and out we went. It was fun but early night, we headed back around 12:30AM only to end up staying up until 3AM with the time change. Yeah...I totally wasn't aware that this was happening Saturday night/Sunday morning this week. I wasn't planning on it. Hence why I was exhausted getting up at 9AM Sunday to help with my girl Sarah's baby shower.

The shower rocked, I was at the hall until 5:30 when Mitch and I headed to my Dad's to do my birthday dinner with him. So I didn't get home until 10:30AM last night.

I am so tired, tired to the point my eyeballs hurt. Mitch the lucky duck is working from home today. That jerk is probably still in his PJ's on the couch, cuddled up with Slash man and sipping on some coffee. Alas I am at work, sans coffee since I drank mine and ready to nod off in 3...2...1

Dearest bed, I miss you so much. I promise to make up for my time away this weekend just as soon as I can but we need to enjoy the time we do get to spend together. I love you though I might not tell you all the time.

Time is on my side....

So I am officially 30.

I decided on Friday that is was coming no matter what. Granted I kept waking up Friday night as I was sleeping with something close to a panic attack, I awoke Saturday morning to my adorable husband singing me Happy Birthday among kisses and snuggles so I guess that is a PRETTY AWESOME way to be woken up. He proceeded to give me my birthday gift of 2 tickets to the BOSTON BRUINS BABY! I get to watch them (hopefully) spank the Capitols this coming Saturday. I for sure had thought he got me a Lucic jersey but this was so much better.

And then I got out of the shower and noticed 5 minutes after being in my bedroom there was bag on the bed...containing the Lucic jersey. Score for me, minus the fact it was an mens XL and could have probably fit Zdeno Chara, never mind my 5'8" self.

Oh who is Chara besides the best defensemen in the NHL? Your welcome ladies in advance:

Meet my other infatuation minus cowboys. Hockey players. Swoon.

So I digress, my awesome hubby got me tickets AND a jersey for my birthday. I am so super excited about this. I had to leave him to go get my hair did. I had a party planned for that evening. Want to see how us classy people roll:

Yep, we rocked a full on school bus. Luckily the driver was pretty cool and let us drink and what not on the bus. Do not dare inquire what "what not" is :)

So the party bus was headed to Toby Keith's I Love My Bar in Foxboro at the Patriot's Place. The hubby had reserved one of the VIP rooms near the band so we could eat dinner and dance our butts off until about 11PM (early I know, boo). Here is my evening in a psuedo montage:

This is me saying "Dude there are a lot of people in my place using the facilities, I hope Mitch cleaned it up first, cringe"

As you can tell, for 30 I am a really classy chick. In reality this is my reaction to having to wear all this crap after spending time doing my makeup and hair. Thanks Mom.

I need to set up the following photos, my brother insisted I take a photo with everyone while they wore the horse hat. I was already feeling good, lol.

This is me and my girl Ashley, nice horse.

The mother in law Dianne and I, love this one, we look super cute.

This is my mao Kristen, also my best friend. She is excited, not lol. I always look like a linebacker next to her she is so tiny.

The hubby and I. He looked good in the cowboy hat...VERY good in the hat. The horse thing, not so much.

This is my mother and I. Cheesing!

My brother Shawn and I. He is still trying to look fabulous while wearing a horse on his head, lol.

Tiffany and I are feeling pretty good here, can you tell? No?

This is my brothers boyfriend Travis and I. As you can see, I am a very appropriate person.

Oh goodness, these photos will always be here on the web somewhere. This could be interesting, for sure.

Anyhoo we ate some delicious food ( the hubby and I split a appetizer samples and a rack of fall off the bone ribs. Yum Yum) we got to do some dancing. Dancing was interrupted for this:

You can't tell me that this isn't the most adorable cake you have ever seen? In case you are wondering purple is my favorite color. My mother in law knows whats up, this was compliments of Konditor Meister, aka the best damn place in New England to get a cake EVER.

I don't even know if i made a wish when I blew out my candles. I am guess I was wishing for another Malibu and soda water. 

Probably not the smartest wish seeing as how on the way home I was certain I was going to die or throw up. Luckily for me, neither occurred. I went home and passed out in bed with my make up on, shame on me.

Sunday was for recuperation sake, alas I have a mountain of laundry to tackle tonight due to my laziness yesterday. All in all though I have to definitely say it is worth it. 

Welcome 30's. you have already blown my 20's out of the water. Best party ever. 

30...How?

So tomorrow is my 30th birthday.

How in the world am I turning 30? I have had a sense of dread/anticipation all of February knowing that it was coming up and quick. I am not ready to drop the 2 off my age and switch it up with a 3. 3 is my lucky number but at the moment 3 is my least favorite digit. Go away I say... please.

Getting older is obviously a blessing and inevitable. It still doesn't mean it isn't a shock to my system. I am definitely not 100% where I thought I would be at 30. I anticipated I would own a home by now, have 2.5 kids, be married and having a successful career.

I do have the marriage part down, I have fur babies if you count my animals but that is it. Mitch and I are working on saving for a home and the baby part. I am also in a job that I am staying in only so I can get my masters in elementary education and start teaching soon (eventually). It is amazing I am not where I always thought I would be but I also don't regret it. I have had an awesome life with great friends and family and most of my memories are worth not being where I thought I would be. I gained experience and self worth in my 20s with every one of my failures or successes and honestly, I have a good life, with or without a house and kids.

That being said, it looks like my 30s will be my decade, getting me exactly everything I have wanted out of my life. So maybe I shouldn't be so hesitant to welcome tomorrow with open arms.

I mean there is an awesome party involved too, I would be an idiot not to.

Goodbye 20s, you were the best but I plan on making my 30s better!

Blog Envy

So I obsessed with Pioneer Woman, I think I have mentioned that previously?

If you don't believe me well let's look at the last 2 meals I have made for dinner:

That would be her recipe for Chicken in Mustard Cream Sauce. I have to say I absolutely love the picture itself too, taken with my phone none the less. Awesomeness. It is so delicious and super easy to make. For me who is eating low carb again it is meat central.

Last night I made this:

That would be her recipe for BBQ Comfort Meatballs. I made them before sitting down to the Bruins game (screw you Ottawa) knowing we would be able to chow down on the leftovers for a few days or so. My husband took his 1st bite, turned to me and said "I love you". Yes these meatballs are THAT good.

Also yes I am aware mashed potatoes are not low carb but it was the 1/2c serving I am allotted, you never really know how small a 1/2 a cup of mashed potatoes are until you see them on your tiny plate looking like a molehill, not a mountain. Sigh.

So as I digress, I love Pioneer Woman. Anyone who has never visited her site absolutely needs to do so because not only are he recipes AMAZING and delicious (I have only made like 30 of them or something) she is funny, smart and has an awesome life on her ranch with her 4 children and cowboy husband (swoon).

I also came across another food blog, So Delushious written by model Christine Teigen. Not only does she do the low carb thing, she too is obsessed with Pioneer Woman. Also she is engaged to John Legend who I not only adore musically but definitely used to lust after. So we have a lot in common minus her jet setting oh and the fact that she is a seriously knock out beautiful. Oh wells.

So I get jealous of these blogs. I would so love to be a serious food blogger but I sometimes wonder if there are too many of them to begin with. I also am not super creative with new recipes, I mean I usually do tweak existing recipes some and try to make them my own but to actually create a recipe on my own, that is a completely different task.

So I am wondering, do I just continue bitching and moaning about my fertility issues or move forward with some actual food blogging.

Best of both worlds maybe I should do both. Who knows, gonna think it over.

Me Time

So the last couple of weeks have been full of a number of ups and downs for me, both emotionally and physically. So unfortunately the last thing in my thoughts was updating this. How remiss of me.

Still struggling with the whole fertility thing. I have a couple of good days when I am positive and excited about everything. The next day I will be battling the demons and fears I have about it and it could take a day or 2 to work myself out of my funk.

I hate being in funks, then again I love to wallow in them.

I just learned how to properly stab myself with a needle and started my insulin injections, cheers for getting my A1C in check. I could of course do without the nausea and headaches but you must feel worse to feel better. Yeah I agree, sounds like total BS to me too.

We celebrated my hubby's 27th birthday last Friday and had an awesome weekend with him and his cousin Derrick and his girlfriend Sue. We went to Foxwoods for the weekend and saw Lynyrd Skynyrd. My Dad unexpectedly decided to come after telling me he wasn't. Unfortunately we had plans and commitments so it was hard to juggle them around and I didn't spend as much time with him as he wanted. To say he is pissed is an understatement.

Sometimes you just can't win.

Well this weekend is pretty busy and next weekend I turn 30. When did going uphill turn into going downhill. Anyone know? Anybody?

So Alone

So today I took my 1st steps towards our fertility treatment. I needed to have my uterus scoped to make sure that everything is OK and to also road map everything for the IVF. They want to know how to get to my uterus in order to implant the fertilized eggs assuming we can get to that stage.

It is scary how indefinite it could be.

I finally read through all of the steps and stages of the IVF treatment. To be blunt, I am kind of terrified of everything. All of the risks to myself and possible chromosonal defects for my baby. It it just surreal and scares me, so much. I thought I was stronger than this.

Worst case risk to me is damage down to my lady parts during the harvesting of my eggs which would result in a hystarectomy. That would mean my body, which has no difficulties getting pregnant, would be barren. I just hate feeling like I am the only one taking all the risks and suffering just to get pregnant.

I am just scared and hurting like hell. That scoping procedure which would be only "uncomfortable" and finished once it got "unbearable" was complete bullshit.

It was "unbearable" for like 5 minutes. It wasn't just "uncomfortable" either, it hurt like hell. I am still hurting now, like 6 + hours after the procedure. I get to deal with the cramps for a possible couple of days too.

I just feel so alone, no friends or family have gone through IVF or fertility issues. I am here just suffering in pain, scared of what's to come, angry that my husband has it easy in the treatments and I am the only one taking the risks.

I just pray that the ends justify the means and we have a healthy baby (or 2) as a result. To go through all this fear and pain for naught would leave me heartbroken. The thought of it now is making me tear up.

On that note, going to sprawl out on the couch under my blanket until I pass out. I am just exhausted and pretty deep into the doldrums. Hoping the feeling passes pretty soon. At least faster than the cramps do.

It's a go...

So apparently some people stop by here and check out my blog per my page views on here.

Hello, anyone there? If so, feel free to leave a comment or a hello...something?

So our appointment on Monday went well, Mitch and I should definitely be able to have kids but will definitely need some assistance a la IVF. Upside, my insurance will pretty much cover everything on my end. Downside, it is going to be a lot of work, procedures and pain on my end.

Fun times.

I am just glad we will be able to have little ones. I can't wait to be a Mom. I have to drop a couple (read like 40) pounds prior to the procedure so I will be at my optimal health. If there was ever a reason to lose some weight, this is as good as ever. Also I can pretty much plan out when the procedure can be done so Mitch and I will have to check out our schedules for next year :)

I am excited but a little scared, it is completely uncharted territory. On Monday they will be inserting some type of scope up my uterus in order to map my lady bits for IVF and make sure all is kosher. I will be awake and not sedated for the procedure. I was advised to take Advil prior to because at the point the pain and pressure become unbearable, it will be over. Sounds like fun huh?

Good thing I took Monday off to recoup after my Super Bowl party. Now the day will be spent in Boston again with Mitch. All day. Maybe we can actually do something fun outside of Mass General Hospital. Not holding my breath but worth hoping for.

Super Bowl Party, my house, Sunday. This I am excited about. Not for the game (GIANTS BETTER BE GOING DOWN) but because of all the delicious food I get to prepare and serve up to my guests. I will try to snag pics of the noms before they are devoured. Think pulled pork, wings, dips, cupcakes, and quesadillas. Sooo good.

So until then, go Patriots. Oh and the Bruins, so glad they have a game tonight (and Saturday...and Sunday). Hopefully Lucic will score again, that punk is my boy :)

Vicodin Haze

So this entire weekend I basically spent in a Vicodin haze thanks to my painful mouth. I have noticed a few things while in my haze:

1. One vicodin pill will make me not only a little more pain free but also will make me behave like a crackhead since I can't keep still and I am constantly moving. This was good considering the laundry pile and kitchen I had to clean.

2. 2 Vicodin at a time when the pain is at it's absolute worse turns me into a dysfunctional pile of putty only good for hogging the couch and snuggling with Slash. Case in point:

Can you tell I was tired? Slash didn't care that I was drugged up and sleepy, he just plopped down where he was comfortable.

I would be lying if i didn't say I loved it. He is too cute.

Luckily the root canal tooth is feeling better but I have some mysterious (read horrible) pain coming from the other side of my mouth now. I am keeping my fingers crossed I can hold out until my next appointment 2/14. So far, not looking good.

It has been a pretty good week otherwise. I went and helped my friend Sarah with her registry at Target. Seeing all those little baby clothes and things made me realize that there were shortly (4/10) be a little Benjamin actually using them. So crazy, I can't wait. I love babies and I am so excited to be an Auntie. That poor kid, all I am going to do is sniff him like a fiend. I love how babies smell, it is like a direct kick to any women's uterus.

On that note, Mitch and I have our first fertility appointment this Monday. I am nervous and excited all rolled into one. I am kind of scared though of getting bad news. I don't know how I will handle it...going to try and think positive about it though.

So expect an update on that next week. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Needy

So I found out on Wednesday at my dentist appointment that I needed a root canal. This would explain the amount of pain I was in. So my root canal was scheduled for this morning. I was glad because I knew this would mean my pain would finally be relieved. I went to the appointment (definitely some ouchie moments) and was informed I was definitely going to be hurting later today. This meant no work (yay) and a double down on my pain meds (holy crap vicodin).

So as I am sitting home alone well not alone, I had the little man...

I was bored on top of bored. I knew I was going to be home alone for awhile because the hubby was going to visit a brewery with some co-workers after work. I was on Facebook, Twitter anywhere trying to interact with people in my drugged haze. It was then I realized two things:

1. I really miss living back in MA close to my friends and family where drop ins and visits do not require planning.

2. I am needy.

I must have texted my poor husband like a zillion times while he was working. If I wasn't spaced out on painkillers I would have been able to amuse myself, instead I was incapacitated.

I am still bored at the moment though...and I have an uber hankering for ice cream. May the hubby come home baring amusement and dairy...please!

Easy Peasey Weekend...

I love weekends when I have absolutely zero planned. That was my past weekend except it ended up being more busy (and painful) than I anticipated.

Friday evening the hubby and I headed over to Tangy's to get our compound bows fitted for us. What we thought would be maybe an hour there turned into like 3... so all hopes of wrapping up all of our errands on Friday evening for a relaxing weekend at home were quickly deflated. Mitch's bow got refitted and worked on only to be told the entire arrow rest had to be lowered which meant everything else had to be fixed. I had been informed my compound bow did not or would never fit me. So I was kind of sad. Anyways though, we took a mini lesson with a re-curve bow and I am officially in love with archery. I also found out I have to shoot it left handed since my left eye is the dominant one...kind of hard to adjust to for sure. So we headed straight home from Tangy's and collapsed on the couch with food and a beverage.

This is what I woke up to Saturday morning...

I love weekend mornings because when I see something this adorable I can just pig pile into the middle and kiss and snuggle in all parties involved. How can it not be a good day starting out that way?

So Mitch and I went out to breakfast and ran all of our errands only to return around 1ish. We then proceeded to clean up and didn't get to sit down and relax until like 5. I was exhausted at this point but I still made Mitch his mussels in garlic wine sauce. He nommed on that while I scavenged our leftovers. I thought it would be an early night but alas I stayed up to see the Bruins lose (boo) and watch the entire live stream of the PBR from Anaheim, CA on my computer. Austin Meier kicked ass this week...Mike Lee...not so much (boo again).

So Sunday I had big cooking plans that were immediately halted by a bad and I mean baaaaaad toothache. As soon as I ate my breakfast of champions (at 11AM, I slept a little late) of Kix's cereal, my tooth just hurt. So I took some Alieve...no relief. I went upstairs, rebrushed my teeth and rinsed again...nada. Mitch went out and got me some liquid Ambesol...nope only hurt MORE. So I was pretty much debilitated and crying at this point. Tooth pain is the worse. I already had a dentist appointment scheduled for this coming Wednesday but it is not soon enough. Anyhoo, after taking some ibuprofen and chugging crazy water, the tooth finally settled a bit. It felt good enough for me to make my pot roast (another recipe compliments of Pioneer Woman), Mashed Potatoes (they were beyond sinful) and some blackberry cobbler I did up with Splenda.

Dinner was delicious...

This photo does not do it justice. It slow cooked in my cast iron dutch oven for hours in the oven...so tender, so simple yet soooo flavorful.

I got to eat this while watching the PBR so I was happy. Sadly I did not get intoxicated this weekend like I wanted to...or work on making babies repeatedly. It is OK, there is always next weekend :)

Le Sigh

So this weekend in NYC was a total blast. We were literally staying about 4 blocks from Madison Square Garden which made for a super simple trek to and from the PBR. The ladies and I demolished an entire bottle of Madiera Wine (if you do not know what this is I will inform you at a later point) and were feeling pretty good as we headed out for a dinner location. At said location we had 2 lemon drop shots, some beers and dinner.

To say we were feeling good (our wallets not so much) is a complete understatement. We got to MSQ with just enough time to snag another beer and sit in our seats. The PBR that night was AMAZING. I usually see these guys at the tail end of the season in CT but this weekend they were refreshed and rested and you could tell. I saw more qualified rides than usual. I also actually saw a 90 point ride in person, I was excited. Mike Lee kicked some serious butt this weekend (placed 5th) and Cody Nance took the title on Sunday. Sadly enough though, I saw my first serious wreck this weekend too. I know Pistol Robinson is doing well but seeing a man get both legs broken is still making me cringe today. He is definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

None the less, I didn't get to meet any of the cowboys this weekend which was definitely a bummer for me. That is OK because I will get to see them in April in CT, I promise you copious amounts of photos with me and smiling, handsome bull riders.

*Swoon*

Speaking of that, I have entered the "bad place" as my dear friend Kristen calls it. The "bad place" is when we start fixating on someone or something other than our husbands. In other words, I have gone to sleep thinking of cowboys and not my husband since Sunday. You could consider me a bad person for this but I know I will snap out of it in a week or 2, just need more mental distance from my weekend with cowboys.

This weekend of staying home in my pajamas most likely unwashed will help me with this. Cheers (and I will be clinking some glasses this weekend) to not showering for a day (or two)!

Fresh Slate

And it begins...the multitude of promises I will make to myself and ultimately break at some point in the near future. I think I am making a New Year's Resolution to not make one this year. Actually wait, that would be breaking it before I make it...right?

I always vow to either loss weight or start taking better care of my skin or something that ultimately by February 1st is met with a snarky "I never said that" and erased from my memory for ever.

So I figure, I will save myself from some of that disappointment and instead of making an impossible New Year's Resolution only to break in a few mere weeks I will try and set up some goals for myself and work on keeping them since I have to start taking better care of myself if I want to live to see 40 so I think mini goals are reasonable in order to live a long healthy life, right?

I just wish I wasn't addicted to food. Maybe not addicted but it is definitely a tool I use to calm myself after trying or stressful times. Many of you know what I am talking about ie dates with Ben & Jerry in your pajamas on your bed following a traumatic breakup or day at work.

I need to stop doing this with Ben and Jerry, dessert, Taco Bell and other miscellaneous foods and things that are only subtracting, not adding to my life.

So mini goal #1 - Try to be more active. I am looking to try working out or being more active than I am now. This shouldn't be too hard since my activity level at this point is zero. Just a simple walk with my Slash man 3 times a week would benefit the both of us. Speaking of Slash, look at these pics from his weekend with Vavoa Dianne:

This is Slash with my mother in law Dianne and her boyfriend Chris. They love the little guy.

Chris is a pretty avid hunter and that makes this photo all the more hilarious. This one was coined "Rudolph's Replacement". Oh I know for sure the little man just froze up for this photo.

So as you can see, that adorable mug deserves some more quality exercise too not because he needs it but because he loves it, with a capital L.

Mini goal #2: Start eating healthier and like an actual diabetic. So goodbye most carbs and sweets, going to begin tweaking foods and recipes again so they fit into my diet. I am going to track my food on my food journal on Spark People. I need to make sure I am staying in my carb allotment.

Mini goal #3: Start monitoring my blood sugar next week on Monday. Want to give me body a chance to cleanse itself for all the crap I ate this weekend in NJ. 

Speaking of NJ, what a horrific game. It was awesome being at MetLife stadium and seeing my 1st NFL game but it was lousy watching Tony Romo play like a high school quarterback the 1st half and Cowboys defense just not getting anything either. Watching the Cowboys get pummeled by the Giants in the game of the year was no fun. You can tell prior to the game the hubby and I were excited:

There are no pictures following the game because I was too busy trying to dry off and warm up. Also I was weeping into my pillow mentally seeing Cruz catch that Hail Mary pass from Manning in the 4th quarter which pretty much ended the game for the Cowboys.

Boo.

Anyways Happy New Years everyone. I will let you know how I do with the above mini goals next time I am on.